If you’re new here, you can check out the first part of my coming out story here
In March 2017 the woman I was dating at the time asked me if I was trans. Completely taken aback, I immediately said NO out loud but in my head in that moment my thoughts were screaming “I am totally trans!” This was the first time as an adult that I realized/accepted that I was transgender. Over four decades earlier I was assigned female at birth (AFAB) but that never fit.
Too many uncertainties
At that time it really didn’t matter, I certainly wasn’t going to transition. I was riddled with fear of the unknowns. What would that do to my kids? I’m a mom, if I’m not in fact a mom, what am I? Who am I? My whole life I’ve struggled with a lack of self worth, how would anyone ever love me if I expose my gender to them. I had/have trauma surrounding men, I didn’t want to embrace my gender and become one of those men. The unknowns seemed endless, not worth the risk.
My gender won’t be ignored
But the more I tried to ignore it the more I couldn’t. In August 2017 I started doing some peer counselling with a non binary trans masculine person. They helped me work through my issues with being a mom and a guy. They encouraged me to seek out healthy positive single dads, stay at home dads and gay dads to model. This work changed my perspective immensely. I realized that I will forever be the parent I’ve always been, even if my title changes. Now our kids call me Ren which is a commonly used term for parent.
Knowing laced with more uncertainty
I swayed back and forth for another year before I was finally able to admit to myself and my family that I wanted to start Testosterone injections. During that time I also had uncertainty about medically transitioning because there was this small part of me that wondered, hoped, maybe I just needed to work through my trauma of being sexually abused as a child and that would “fix” me so that I could love myself enough as I was. I wanted nothing more than to take two boxes and unpack all of my issues and separate them into a “because I’m trans” box and a “because I was sexually abused” box and unfortunately most of my issues could fit into either box and were likely a tangled knot of both.
Trusting my intuition
Eventually I made the decision to take Testosterone like I make every other choice in my life, I listen to myself and I trust my intuition. Although my path in life has been full of twists and turns, I’ve yet to regret any decisions I’ve made relying on my intuition. A year and a half of testosterone injections and not one moment of uncertainty once I finally took the leap.
What has it been like being on testosterone
Next week I’ll be sharing more about my experiences the first week on testosterone. Make sure you like my page, and follow my blog so you don’t miss any of my updates!
Looking for more?
Are you transgender, nonbinary, gender nonconforming, genderfluid, genderqueer or questioning your gender? Struggling to accept yourself? Wondering what’s next? What does my future hold? Do you need support in coming out to family, friends, at work? Are you out and now looking to discover yourself and live your best most authentic life?
Let’s talk! Contact me