Many of us have stories of self abandonment but not everyone is aware of this in the way that a later in life transgender person is aware of their life of self abandonment. Some trans folks were acutely aware of and made a distinct choice early on to ignore their truth. Some like myself bury their truth so deep that it takes years to discover.
Sometimes the universe gently guides us along our path in life but other times we are too lost, blind or stubborn and we need a much bigger jolt to get us back on our path.
Coming face to face first with my sexuality then 15 years later with my gender identity, I felt like I was thrown into times of self reflection that I couldn’t evade if I wanted to.
The past few years I have done a lot of growing and changing physically and mentally but recently I’ve started to feel out of balance. While I’ve been focusing on my physical and mental well-being and growth, my spiritual and emotional health and growth have been lacking.
Once again I’ve been pulled into a time of self reflection. After a couple months of feeling like I was once again abandoning myself, I was able to take time to reflect and do some inner work.
The moment I realized and accepted that I was transgender, I felt a shift in my sense of self. But then the real work began. I had to work hard to dismantle and dispel a lot of deeply ingrained beliefs about gender. While doing this thought work I was socially transitioning, cutting my hair, recreating my wardrobe, finding every possible way to outwardly represent who I truly was. As I worked through my ideas and opinions about what I thought gender was and how it should manifest in my life, I was able to determine what transitioning would look like for me.
Going on testosterone continued to transform both my physical and mental state and my focus has been primarily on those areas for over 4 years now. But the past few months I’ve felt untethered and lost. I knew something needed to shift but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what that something was until now.
Last week my partner and I had the pleasure of staying at a little cottage in Yarrow, BC. It was a much needed, most relaxing, restorative, healing and inspiring few days. During our stay I pulled an oracle card for myself.
The message I received is one that has been on my mind a lot the last few months. I am 44 years old and just getting to know myself. I am finally learning to celebrate myself. I am discovering my passions. I have always believed but often need reminding that what I seek will always seek me. I can only love with my whole being when I am wholly being myself. I needed the reminder to release control of others. Most importantly, I have recently felt a void spiritually. I’ve been unable to resolve how or with whom or what to fill this void until a few days ago when it finally sunk in that I am my beloved and I can fill that void when I turn inwards and trust my intuition.
Make self reflection a part of your self care routine
When I don’t make time for self reflection, I start to abandon myself. It happens so quietly and without notice. But soon my inner voice becomes louder and unable to be ignored. I can always tell once I’m out of alignment but I don’t always know how or in what way until I take the time to pause and go inward.
Do you have a self care routine? Does it include meditation and a time for self reflection? Take a moment this week to pause and do some reflecting, you may be surprised what you discover!
As I worked through my ideas and opinions about what I thought gender was and how it should manifest in my life, I was able to determine what transitioning would look like for me.
Are you ready to determine what transitioning could look like for you?